I Feel Pretty: Become What You Believe
Aaaahhhh... Los Angeles. City of Stars. A bustling urban paradise bursting with a blend of flavors, healthy living energy, golden sunshine, warm sands, electric blue waters...
... and insecurities. Holy lord above, the insecurities.
Don’t get me wrong: Los Angeles is an amazing city to live in. Having lived in nearly half a dozen places around the world now, I can attest to why Los Angeles has the hype it does. It really is an amazing place to live/visit (traffic aside). But when you live in a city of such immense celebrity, creative ambition, and high standards, the insecurities can grow into full blown “OUTsecurities”, manifesting themselves in your everyday actions for all to see.
Not to mention the prices out here, PHEW! We’re at ~$3.60 per gallon of gas, and a piece of avocado spread on toast costs over $10. Groceries are about the same, especially at places like Trader Joe’s (and the produce is VERY fresh and stay ripe longer - gotta love that California climate!) but still - with rent? Good god above deliver us from LA prices.
But I digress.
ALL of that to say that ordinary life becomes immensely stressful to the average young adult in LA pursuing a creative career. Now throw in a neurological chronic disease that throws your mental stability for a loop and you’ve got yourself quite a storm to weather to make your dreams a reality. Such is my case. Admittedly the physical problems with my CLD have been getting much better. I’m back in the gym, I’m continuing to eat healthy, and my sleep cycle is leaps and bounds better than it was a year ago (full “year of progress” report to come on June 20th). Still having issues with headaches and pains and intense, random spasms in my muscles, but otherwise physically I am getting better. However there are still some persistent, and a few relapsing/developing, brain-related issues. Brain fog, confusion, disorientation, and poor memory are all surging back into the mix.
Oh, and that little thing I mentioned before: insecurities, made all the more potent with the help of another resurgent mental issue I can’t seem to kick - anxiety. I’ve written about this before on Byting Back (ref.: the post all about me making a complete fool of myself in front of a gorgeous interior designer), but that was social anxiety, and now it very much feels like that cup hath overflow-ith, and anxiety is bursting through into areas of my life that I can’t afford to be anxious about. Namely, I've managed to reach a point out here in LA where I’m ready to begin taking the next steps towards what I want to do, but...
...problem is, I really don’t know what I want to do...
It’s funny - I was talking about this with one of my new friends who’s out here, and he asked me what I’d done professionally. A whole long list of experiences poured out of my fingertips into the text, to which I got the response “damn.” And he’s right! I’ve wiggled my fingers into a whole slew of different creative fields: architecture, graphic design, photography, photo/video editing, PR, interior design, branding, fine arts, marketing, theater and set/backstage crew, etc. But it feels like I’ve only ever done just that: wiggled my fingers around in each - never actually diving into one line of work or the other and immersing myself. Almost as if I’m living a 'liberal arts' life, in which I’ve explored a variety of fields, instead of just one and worked to perfect my talents and skill within that one. And ordinarily I’d say that that makes me a great candidate/potential employee: having a slew of skills across a number of fields. But when it comes to being a creative, I can’t help but feel like I’m at a loss. Here I am in one of the greatest cities on earth, a city that thrives on creativity, and I am surrounded by PROFESSIONALS. Folks my age, some even younger, who have gone to specialty schools, trained, done the grind, learned the tricks and skills, perfected their craft, and are able to pursue their dreams - successfully - because they have the tools to make it happen.
And then I’m over here, quietly looking around at the photographers, actors, artists, singers, designers, musicians, and writers while slowly sinking back into the corner because I feel wildly outmatched by all they can do. In fact, this LITERALLY happened to me a week or so ago. I went to The Troubadour, a venue in West Hollywood, to see a performance by an up and coming LGBT singer named Vincent, who everyone I knew could not stop raving about/lauding. I really did sink back into the corner of the room during the concert as a crowd of ridiculously talented photographers, actors, artists, singers, designers, musicians, and writers - ALL MY AGE - were screaming Vincent's name who, unsurprisingly, sounded like an angel. That night I felt myself shut down completely. I went from feeling wildly overwhelmed by Vincent’s performance and overstimulated by the energy of the night, to entirely empty and emotionless. As if I was watching all the people around me (who somehow all knew each other / that didn’t help at all) and the performance itself from the outside. A world apart, across an invisible line I can never manage to cross.
Now I’ve talked about how crippling my anxiety can be on occasions like that, when I’m surrounded by a bunch of people I don’t know in a setting that’s very loud and high energy. It legitimately upsets me, and even physically handicaps me, in a way I don’t fully understand just yet - almost as if my instinctive reaction to it all is something beyond ordinary anxiety. But in this particular instance, whatever was hitting me had washed into all the other worries and insecurities I’ve been having, increasing them tenfold. “What am i doing in this city? Do I have what it takes to find a better creative job, let alone achieve my dream? What even is my dream? Why can’t I even decide on a dream? No wonder I’m coming up short on what I want to do, I can never decide on anything truly important! What do all of these people think of me? Am I important enough for them to deem me worth talking to or getting to know? Why do I even care - random people's opinions never used to upset me. Do the friends I’ve made so far while out here even like me anymore? Have I become a drag on their own lives because of my inability to overcome and answer these questions? When will I finally be able to be creatively and professionally un-constipated? What will it take for that to happen? What even do I do next to get myself out of this mindset and creative rut? And if I choose a way forward, is it even the right way????????????????”
Sooooo many questions. It’s really a miracle I leave my house at all. But I do. And I go to work. And I continue my modest professional experience within THIS line of work, graphic art and photo editing, all the time while wondering if it’s even right for me - as if there’s another creative field I tasted but never got into that was my true calling. All the while wondering if I’ve got the capacity to be creative enough, talented enough, skilled enough to actually make this my life’s line of work, or if being creative and artistic “full time” was never meant for me; that it should be my passion, but not my job. And then what? Seriously asking here, folks: what on earth do I do if I come to that conclusion? Cause I have ZERO professional experience doing anything else.
-- By this point our subject - white, cis male, pansexual millennial, age 24 - can be found staring blankly at his computer screen, when in fact his mental self is curled up in a ball, his eyes wide as saucers, rocking back and forth and humming 'How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria' --
As is the case, however, life has a way of bringing instances to help me find some solace, even if no answers present themselves just yet to those debilitating questions. For example, and as the title of this post suggests, I recently went to Amy Schuemer’s new film I FEEL PRETTY. If you don’t know what it’s about, basically Amy plays Renee, a girl with ZERO self confidence, especially with regard to her appearance. One day while attempting to make a change at a SoulCycle class, Renee falls off the bike and hits her head hard enough that she wakes up, looks in the mirror, and sees herself as the most beautiful woman in the world. I’d invite you guys to go see it - it’s actually quite funny. And something it reminded me of is just how quickly a change of mindset can change your life. Renee's confidence, now soaring past 110%, gives her the courage to land a new job, find a great guy, and change the lives of those around her for the better by helping them see the world, and themselves, differently.
Obviously, seeing this movie - especially right now - hit me right where I needed it to. It also helped that Renee is a graphic designer like me (high five, girl!). A point worth mentioning: Renee doesn't see herself any differently physically after her fall. As in, when she looks in the mirror, her brain is not sending her the message "your physical image has changed to that of a Kardashian, or Jenner, or Hadid". When trailers for the film first came out, Schumer got quite a bit of backlash over the idea that it would take a concussion for her character to believe she's beautiful. But we as the audience never actually see what Renee sees; we only ever experience the pure joy and energy generated by her newfound perception of herself. In an interview, Schumer stated:
““I know what I saw. And to be honest with you, I was looking at myself. I didn’t picture someone else. I looked at the image that was in front of me, and I let myself love this ‘package’ I come in. I was feeling grateful for my legs, and my strong arms, and this healthy body. And really, I’m just looking at myself, and I just let myself fall in love.””
So there you have it: you become what you believe. If you switch the paradigm, and are willing to see things differently, things will be different, simply from the fact that our entire experience of this life comes from our perception of it. Who knows what's really the truth, or what's really beauty, or what's really success? Your perception of life will never be the same as mine, and vice versa. While I’m still unsure of what aspect of my mindset needs to change first to turn my life in a new direction - whether that be how I view my accumulated professional experience, how I view my life compared to others, how I value aspects of my life that don't seem to stack up to the 'competition' (or probably all three of those, and then some) - having a film like this helps me realize that it all comes down to MINDSET. Having that slice of knowledge is, in and of itself, a tool. And reminding myself to practice gratitude, the key to happiness, which admittedly at times is really hard - especially with my mind. When my anxiety and fear take over, I tend to think of EVERYTHING negatively. Seriously, you could serve me up a hot panini and I’ll scathingly comment on how the bread will make me fat, as opposed to the correct response, which is “YAY! PANINIS!”
Now is the time for perseverance. Diamonds are only diamonds because of pressure, so maybe I’m just experiencing some creative claustrophobia. As much as I hate cliches, “good things come to those who wait”, and “how do you eat a whale? One bite at a time”. Keep on keeping on, and if you want to change the game - change your mind. You always have the right and ability to do so.
Normally I’d sign off this sort of post with “Onward and Upward”, but I’m not that naive. Sometimes things don’t go upward, just onward. Or sometimes the go downward and curve-ward and backwards. So instead, I’ll sign off with a mantra Renee is given towards the beginning of the movie, which kicks everything into action:
I am Brave. I am Blonde. And I’ve got this.
PS: got a new car. Broke my bank, and my wallet will be crying for a few months, but damn if it doesn’t feel good to have one less major stressor, such as a beloved rust-bucket with 15 MPG draining me dry, taken care of. If you’re in the LA area hit me up and we’ll go for a drive 👍🏻😎🌴🌞