Idontwanttodothisbut…

WELL.

To say that today has been a roller coaster would be a gross understatement. Quite a big decision made, so read through it all, folks.

Here's what's happened so far:

• Woke up and watched "Gaga: Five Foot Two", which is a documentary about Lady Gaga - someone who's gotten me through some VERY tough times in my life. Part of it dealt with her struggle with chronic pain/illness, and her resilience through the pain resonated with my own struggle with CLD and CLD treatment a great deal - got me in a good mood!

• CUT TO: a few hours later. I'm a little worn out and I've just finished my packing for the morning (moving to LA in a week!). Then, I get a message from my therapist here in Chicago notifying me of an enormous bill for sessions that apparently weren't covered by my old company's insurance when, as my old company had assured me, they should've been. Furthermore, the guy in charge of insurance at my old company is apparently out of the office until next Tuesday and the woman who works for the insurance company, and is his contact, ALSO wasn't able to pick up the phone. So: good mood is shot to hell and anxiety is riding VERY high.

• UP NEXT: I bike downtown to work in 90+ degree heat for 30 minutes, all while trying to fight back the negative, anxious, and scared thoughts in my head: "This is nuts why weren't these sessions covered?", "Do I have enough money to cover them if I can't get insurance to pay?", "What's going to happen to my moving $ reserves?", "Do I have enough money to make this move?", "Am I essentially going to get to LA and be broke the moment I get there?", etc. etc.

In the span of 4 or 5 hours I went from motivated and excited, to anxious, scared, and depressed. My situation did not improve when, upon getting to the salon downtown that I do marketing for, I was informed of the fact that 60% of staff had decided to "walk out" come next week, and as a result our marketing efforts would need to be reduced dramatically. Meaning, a source of income that I was banking on to help me with the move and my first few weeks in Los Angeles was now, basically, dried up to so little that it wouldn't be something I could rely on.

Having had absolutely enough of my situation, I threw my crap onto my desk and slumped across the road to the 7-Eleven in desperation for relief in the form of a large cup of coffee, preferably one with lots of non-dairy hazelnut creamer. Miraculously, once I'd returned to my desk and taken my first sip, it was as if I'd dipped into a Jacuzzi full of lavender Epsom salts. There's something about a hot cup of coffee that always puts me at ease, and this instance was no exception. And luckily for me, soon after I noticed a VERY new listing on Zillow (posted only 30 minutes prior to my finding it) that was perfect for me and my roommate, so I instantly contacted the property manager, who I got a hold of and set up a tour with.

And then of course I was reminded of the fact that today, is in fact, the autumnal equinox. Which is always a mood booster for me.

ALL OF THIS TO SAY: phew. My life is exhausting right now. SO exhausting; mentally, physically, emotionally. And so, with a twinge of regret, I would like to say that effective today I am putting a pause on the entirety of my Lyme Disease treatment. Obviously, with me moving, I will not have access to my doctors and therapist anyway so that puts a hold on a number of things I could be doing for the Lyme. But with regards to the aspects of treatment that I do have control over - actually ordering and taking the meds, supplements, etc. - I am putting a stopper on that.

Here's the truth, Byting Back: The exhaustion I constantly feel from treating my Lyme (combined with the exhaustion of a big cross-country move) is only part of my decision to stop. The other part is simple: money. With this move, plus the fact that my only source of income as of right now (current and post-move) is about to dry up, and combined with how expensive it is to make the move I'm making (cost of UHaul truck, cost of gas, cost of places to stay while getting to LA, cost of rent and deposit once I get to LA, potential cost of AirBnB or similar if this apartment mess still isn't sorted out by the time I get there, cost of living IN Los Angeles period, etc. etc.)...

... = oof.

Basically, and I'm not mincing words here, I'm scared. I'm scared that despite being as frugal as I can be and have been during this whole process, I'll find myself skint poor by the time I actually get to LA. The result of which is that, because Lyme Disease isn't covered by any form of insurance or program or any financial assistance, I can no longer afford to buy the medication I need to fight Lyme. These supplements and medications, while they have proven to be effective, are not cheap. Not even their off-brand alternatives. Speaking both financially and with regards to the physical/mental struggle, Lyme is not a simple disease to overcome.

And I hate this. I hate that I have to choose between my health and well-being versus not being broke and not being able to make this move that I so desperately want to be a success. But, alas, my predicament is not unique. Heaven help us, there are thousands, if not hundreds of thousands, of people in this country who face this situation daily, and have lived with it much longer than I have: choosing between health and money. Oftentimes for them it's between health or food on the table. Health, or a bed to sleep on. It's scary - coming to a place in my life where I'm almost about to have to live paycheck to paycheck. I know that money isn't the root of all happiness, but it certainly allows you to be able to live a healthy and happy life, depending on how wisely you use it. I've always had savings put away, and any of the money I've had during my life and adulthood has been down to my own hard work, my own efforts. "I ain't no silver-spoon baby", so to speak. But those savings have dried up thanks to the price of my medications and treatment, leaving me in this awful position.

So there you have it. For now, because of my current financial situation, treating my Chronic Lyme Disease will have to take a backseat. I'm not looking forward to the possibility of my Lyme growing back and spreading again. I've managed to go a whole 3 months without a single depressive episode, and it's been a dream come true. I had made peace with the idea of having to live with my depression for the rest of my life - prior to discovering I had CLD and treating it. So for it to be, essentially, gone from my life for a whole three months has been nothing short of a miracle. And I'm not looking forward to the chronic joint and muscle pain returning either. Or the insomnia, or the cognitive impairment, or the inability to tell left from right, or the emotional instability, or any of the other symptoms I've lived with all my life. These last three months have been so great, knowing I was moving forward, fighting the battle, winning this war, and healing my body at last.

But at the end of the day, I no longer have a choice. I am now one of the hundreds of thousands who has to choose: health, or food on the table. Health, or pay the rent. Health, or have a bed to sleep on.