The Flaw in the Plan
As Julia Roberts said in Mona Lisa Smile: "QUIET... today you just listen." So: shall we walk together? into the forbidden forest we trod. we know the way. we know where this ends.
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I'm not sure where this is going. this post, my treatment, my joke of a social/love life and - considering it is the sum of its parts - my life as a whole, for that matter. I'm not depressed, and I'm far from suicidal. I'm just... left hanging.
to catch you all up to speed, yes i completely and utterly failed to post a damn thing during my whole "reset week" that i talked about last time. the week itself was mildly relaxing. i met a boy just beforehand and during that week he managed to break me down emotionally so completely that i had a complete panic attack while with him and spilled my guts out. people who have that kind of magic disturb me. unsurprisingly, he wasn't strong enough and after a month he jumped ship (im not in the mood to get into that, nor is it why im here. suffice to say the break was actually quite easy to go through and i didn't feel bad for more than a few days, as opposed to the grayson we all know from a couple years back who'd still be crying his eyes out and overthinking things for weeks and weeks after).
so no, this post isn't about him or the fact that i got so caught up in him and his angel eyes that i completely forgot to stick to any semblance of the plan i laid out for that week.
nor is this post about my new job which, while it can be monotonous at times, is actually really great. i get to design wedding suites (invitations, reply cards, etc.), custom stationary, holiday cards, the works and get paid for it. it's a pretty SUITE gig (geddit). my boss is easily the nicest boss ive ever had - i feel like i can actually trust him, despite my anxiety (and history of asshat bosses thus far), all of which is pulling at my subconscious, wanting me to expect him to suddenly give me the boot or be secretly (Mermaid Man voice: EEEEEVIIIIILLL!!!) but nah - so far he's cool. so is the other girl in our little office who's quiet but funny and just my type of coworker. and the other three coworkers are great too - the girl that runs the shop is bright and sweet, the fellow who prints our products has a kind smile and is patient with me - the new designer who has to check off on everything he prints - and the older woman who helps run the store speaks mostly Spanish, so i don't always know what she's saying despite my 8 years of Spanish classes, but ive no reason to think anything negative of her, despite the language barrier.
so no this post isn't about my new job either. nor is it about the ridiculous, filthy mutt of a dog who lives next door to me and is currently screaming his/her lungs out because he/she does that whenever he/she feels like it. this post is also not about my itching nerve to go out and kick that dog which, for anyone who knows me, is something i would never ever do to an animal - and yet that's how loudly and persistently he/she screams through the night.
this post also isn't really about my living situation, which has been crazy, to say the least. i went from being pretty assured that id have a place to stay at the same rate through oct 2019, to now having to find a new residence before the end of the year. preferably by the start of December so that when i go home for a couple weeks during the holidays (2 weeks vacation at the end of the year guaranteed - perk of the job, thank god) I can go home and actually relax for a change.
this post also isn't entirely about my growing concern about my CLD, although it should considering this blog was created for the intent of me talking about CLD. About the fact that the growing amount of pains in my body - nerve, muscle, joint, and bone - are scaring me shitless, along with the fact that I'm realizing just how much of an idiot I was for thinking that I could eradicate 10+ years of bacterial damage to my body over the course of casually taking my meds when it was convenient for me. Yeah. not proud of that. So now my cyclical list of symptoms includes not only the pains, but intense fatigue in the morning, having to use a cane to walk some days (the leg pain can be that bad, folks), night sweats, less sleep, numbness and tingling in my arms and legs, dizzying headaches that nearly make me collapse at work, and, as always, mounting anxiety.
actually can we take a moment to talk about that? the CLD? because it is what this post is about and i'm only just now accepting that i NEED to talk about this. Sound good? might as well, considering i dont need your permission to write anything other than what i want and this post is about (here it comes!) whatever i need it to be right here and right now in this moment.
ok. so the CLD. Around the same time I realized that I'd been a ducking fool for thinking I could get it out of my body with the flick of my wand, I began to realize what CLD could become. not symbolically. i mean legitimately: medically. this realization came once i finally managed to find a doctor here in LA that i trust, who heard my story over the course of an hour and told me that in his opinion what i am currently experiencing is yes, CLD, but also possibly a number of conditions as a result - in the same manner that my depression was exacerbated and triggered by my CLD.
he got down to it and said that there was a likely chance that my body has endured legit nerve damage as a result of the untreated Lyme. mmhm: nerve damage. and as i started to research, i realized that - left untreated or, worse, treated and yet irreversible - my Lyme and the damage it's inflicting on my nervous system could eventually cause Alzheimer's, Bell's Palsy, Cerebral palsy, Epilepsy, Multiple Sclerosis, and/or Parkinson's.
in short: chronic lyme disease could very well kill me.
i know that sounds melodramatic. ive always been one for melodrama and anything that makes life more exciting/interesting. but im not kidding around this time, kids. the fact remains that there is no discernible way to check and see that you have 100% gotten Lyme out of your body. the same way people who fight cancer can be in remission or "cancer-free", but then it comes back. it'd be like going to the beach while wearing a pair of sweatpants, falling over in the sand, having sand get all up in your britches, and then claiming after shaking and washing and rewashing all of the sand out of your pants that there is 100% no way even a single grain of sand is left. that's Lyme bacteria. they literally hide from the medicine. no joke - these smart little ****ers retreat into individual cells and shelter themselves until the meds have passed. Like the mom and kids in Prince of Egypt, except this time there's no soaring musical score and we actually want the Egyptians to find the mom and kids but they never do.
so there i have it - what's been itching at me for a few weeks now: Lyme may never leave my body, May never stop eating away at my insides and causing all sorts of irreversible damage and pain. By all technicality, I am, at this very moment even, "dying" of Lyme Disease. it's just a matter of when and how, i suppose. it could very well take decades and decades, and I could die in my late 80's surrounded by my great big bundles of cash (just kidding, i know im gonna be broke and working the counter at the deli til im dead. social security ftw). Or, alternatively, the Lyme bacteria could travel/cycle into my heart and within a matter of weeks i could develop a heart condition and eventually keel over from a heart attack. yippee.
so now what. well obviously, i need to kick my own ass into gear and restart my treatment. get back to the regimen that my doc in Chicago had me on when i first started: Biocidin, Samsara, Pectin Powder, GI Detox pills, Collodial Silver, Keto diet, the works. It worked for the first three months we were treating me - i'm pretty sure i even wrote a post about it at some point: how my results were on such an upswing that my doc was legit shocked at my improvement. but the ultimate question remains: will it be enough? god, I hope so. I'm gonna be really ticked off (HAHAHAHAHAHA didn't even mean for that pun) if CLD lands me with a completely debilitating nerve or neurological condition that makes my every waking moment a living hell.
and to be honest, as much as the macabre and Gothic excite and inspire me, i'm really not in the mood to die.
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'scuse me a second.
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humor and verbiage aside, im not sure how to process this. it scares me you guys. not much these days does, but this really truly does: the idea that even if i'm fighting this 110%, which i hope to do, i may never beat it. the idea that yes, i may now have a solid understanding of what is going to kill me. the enigmatic uncertainty of whether it will be incredibly painful or, perhaps, painless... thats what hurts me now the most.
im in the forest. i know where this ends. it ends where it must , as is the case for us all.
i just have to hope that it doesn't come for a long, long time. i just have to hope my feet can, quite literally, carry me there.
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gonna leave this post with a piece of music ive been listening to a lot lately. you want to know where my mind is these days? its lost somewhere in the deep recesses and endless hallways of this song: